What I found out after crying...

It wasn´t just a normal cry, I remember this first event that happened on my way to my hometown, my ex-boyfriend was driving and suddenly I started crying nonstop. I couldn´t put into words what was actually happening to me, all at once I started thinking about my mom´s sickness and questioning the probability for her to die of cancer, my former job and how was I competing to achieve that position, how was I going to lose weight in order to get healthier, and all of this accompanied by a fear of not doing it right, and that maybe, in our way we could have a car wreck. I remember his look, the kind of look that wants to help, but deep inside he didn´t know how to do it, it wasn´t his job, really. If I only knew what I was experiencing I would´ve told him not to worry, so thank you “m´amor” for holding my hand at that moment and the three or four times that happened over again.

And well, I didn´t feel safe, all my emotions were exposed and I felt incapable of holding myself in as I was used to doing it. If it wasn´t a cry that represented sadness and frustration, it was through irritability and being in a bad mood all the time, now I know that anxiety was forging its way out to make me slow down and let out all this accumulation of bad experiences and emotions, that since my childhood no one taught me how to express or even how to name. Then the opportunity to go away to France happened, at that moment I saw it as a great experience to continue growing professionally, but life and overall God have funny ways to show you a better picture. I was excited and committed to do the best during my sojourn, at least I was going to have time for me, because I was eager of being on my own to figure out many things and reconnect with my authentic-self, so let me tell you that, what I wished for was given to me but not in the way I was expecting because my patience has been tested not only towards others, but actually to myself, panic attacks appeared more frequently, symptoms that a friend of mine helped me to recognize such as a racing heart, sense of terror, breathing difficulties and the will of running to nowhere.  I was at the edge, and the only thing that I remember is questioning myself, why is this happening to me? In which is supposed to be the best time of my life, and what I was dreaming of is here in my hands.

If I go back a little, my body had had symptoms of what I have just described, at least when a stressful situation was over and I didn´t know how to handle, I felt and still feel broken, but relieved because I know that all of these symptoms can be summed up to one word “ANXIETY” and that I´ve been striving with it most of my life, since an unfortunate event happened to me which caused a disconnection of my body and mind. When I reached adulthood I wanted to fulfill my traumas and emptiness with work and food, balance wasn´t a question anymore, I lost track when my authentic -self vanished and let others decide how I felt and reacted to certain circumstances, funny because I always felt strong, and strength is no further an ally at least in these episodes of my life.

When I was writing this I didn´t imagine the quarantine that was yet to come and that now I´m struggling with the symptoms and the pressure of not being capable to succeed after all of this, so I only count one day at a time…

P.S. If you want to share your story I´m "all eyes" to read you.